Reasons
by writingmyownhistory-inactive
Summary: ;Kurt/Finn; His heart cleaves in two, cut along an imaginary fault line.  Or, Kurt learns that Finn is leaving Glee club.  Set during 1x03.


**This is my first contribution to the fandom. I watched the first five episodes last night, then stayed up until three a.m. writing this. That said, don't kill me if this is OOC. I don't think it is - seems like there's sexual or homoerotic subtext between every damn character on this show. I LOVE IT. As stated in the summary, this is set during/directly after 1x03.**

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><p><em>Reasons<em>

Kurt finds Finn in the rehearsal room after school, waiting, he assumes, for the rest of glee club to show.

He and Mr. Schuester already know that after today, Finn's name will have been wiped from the rosters and soon, by the time they are all winning contests, he will be a distant memory. Glee club will continue to function without him, no matter how painful the impending loss seems.

"Finn," Kurt says, closing the door behind him and aiming for absolute nonchalance as he fixes his hair with his free hand, "I heard you're quitting Glee."

Finn freezes, deliberate in the motion of adjusting his backpack so that it sits squarely over his shoulders. He slowly turns to face Kurt, crossing his arms over his chest as though he expects he may have to ward off physical blows.

"I, ah," he stammers, overwhelmed by the suddenness of what he reads as a confrontation, "Yeah. Yeah, I am."

Kurt's seemingly permanent smirk slides from his face upon hearing this news for a second time.

Every reminder seems to grasp his heart and squeeze it in an iron fist, gripping at the emotions he is fighting so hard to control. The pressure is enough to let the carefully built dam burst, spilling forth feelings Kurt is terrified to let go. He stands with his mouth hanging open, imagining his blood and plasma draining out onto the floor as he crumbles into a husk of the boy he once was.

"Oh," he says as his heart cleaves in two, cut along an imaginary fault line. Kurt imagines the ink tracing his arteries, black and indelible, only disappearing after he is completely broken and the marks are covered with scars left by disappointment.

Finn watches Kurt's gaze drop to the floor, his shoulders slump in defeat. Bewildered, he can only apologize, a bewildered "I'm sorry." The words fall hushed from his mouth, and it's quiet, too quiet.

Something inside Kurt snaps. The silence is toxic, a cloud of tension sweeping over their heads. It's almost loud somehow – he hears nothing but the pulse of blood slamming in his ears that blocks out everything else, save for Finn's face. He takes two angry steps, hearing each in slow motion as though this is a movie.

If it is, he thinks, let him play the role of the Beast, Finn the beauty – two people who were never supposed to find each other.

Kurt knows that if he weren't gay, this wouldn't be so much of a problem. He would miss Finn as a friend, a fellow club member, and nothing more than that.

But he is gay, undoubtedly so, and he's going to miss Finn as…something more. An innocent crush, certainly, but it's his first and losing the object of his affection hurts like hell.

How can he just let this happen? Kurt is disgusted with himself, angered and hurt by Finn's actions and the emotions he brings out that Kurt always tries so hard to hide. He is afraid, and Finn Hudson, of all people, is forcing him to face these fears.

"This isn't fair!" He screams aloud, his voice shooting up an octave, cracking. As he advances, Finn backs up. The confrontation continues until Finn is standing against the wall, trapped in place by Kurt's sudden fury.

"How…what…" Finn stammers in confusion. "Kurt, why are you so upset?"

"Because…" Kurt is dangerously close to either bursting into tears or spitting out the truth. His mind races to conjure a falsehood, or at least something slightly less horrifying than what's really in his head. "Because you're leaving," he says finally, unable to look Finn in the eye, then realizing how it might be interpreted, he hastily adds "and you're one of Glee's most talented members. I don't understand how you can give this up, give _us_ up, so easily!"

He isn't sure which 'us' he is referring to.

"Because, Kurt," Finn says with false patience and more than a hint of exasperation, "this isn't right for me. The club is falling apart, Rachel and Mr. Schue bailed, and the entire football team thinks I'm gay."

"So you're quitting Glee to try and prove your heterosexuality? Your masculinity?" Kurt's voice is like ice. "Running from your problems isn't the answer," he says, obviously angry. "I, of all people, should know."

"They all call me deep-throat!" Finn's hands clench into tight fists.

"I hear people hurling 'fruit loop' and 'faggot' at me all the time!" Kurt yells. "Do you see me acting like this? The worst thing about it, Finn, is that their insults are accurate! I am a fruit loop, a faggot, a…a homo…" He trails off into a hushed whisper. "Finn, I'm gay and you know what? You're only upset by their insults because you're either closeted or carrying a lot of internalized homophobia. Maybe both. The point is, I don't let their insults stop me from doing the things I know I'm good at, and neither should you. It doesn't matter how true they might be; don't let them hold you back."

As Kurt stands red-faced, shaking, his stance still preventing Finn from moving away from the wall, he sees something like sadness – regret? – flicker in Finn's eyes.

And he springs back in shock when Finn Hudson, macho-jock extraordinaire, begins to cry.

"I-I'm sorry," he stammers instantly, unnerved by the sudden flood of emotion from someone who has always been so composed. It's one thing for Kurt to cry, but _Finn_?

That's scarier than polyester pantsuits.

"Don't be," Finn croaks, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. "It's just…fuck, I can't do this," his voice rises in a crescendo of sobs as he slides down the wall, eyes closed in anguish.

"Can't do what?" Kurt's voice has slid back into its normal soft, caring tone.

"Be this way," Finn mutters, clutching his hair and shaking his head in slow motion.

Kurt listens to the brief snatches of one-sided conversation that come from Finn between guttural sobs. He hears the words "can't be gay, everyone will be…" Be what? He wonders. Angry? Technically he is still closeted, but Kurt is embarrassed by how obvious it is that he is gay. He's naturally flamboyant and it drives him crazy – he's outing himself to McKinley by default simply because of his demeanor.

Kurt's musings are abruptly halted by a faint rustle. Finn has shoved a scrap of paper at him, two words written in the miniscule, smudged space:

_I'm gay._

"I know," Kurt says, touching Finn's shoulder. He feels the boy relax almost imperceptibly – whether at his touch or his words, Kurt doesn't know. "Finn, it's okay to be who you are."

If only he could convince himself of that.

When Kurt turns to look at Finn, his eyes shine with something akin to hope. "Kurt?" He says, coughing to catch his attention.

"Yeah?"

The two are scooting closer together without realizing, their heads instinctively tilting.

"Can I kiss you?" Finn breathes his query shyly into the space between them, washing a minty scent over Kurt's face.

Kurt's answer is to let his lips touch Finn's just briefly. He registers the warmth of Finn's mouth against his own, and as their kiss deepens slightly, he notes how Finn tastes when his tongue pokes through the tiny opening in Kurt's otherwise tightly sealed mouth. Finn Hudson tastes like gum, mints, and fruity Mentos.

Finn draws in a sharp breath as their kiss comes to an end. He pulls back from Kurt, staring at him.

He and Kurt both felt the same electricity between their bodies. When Kurt kissed him it was like lightning had struck jagged holes through their chests, leaving them with irregular rhythms behind every thought and action.

Finn knows now that quitting Glee club is not an option.

"So," Kurt says, standing up just as the rest of the club members file in, "will you stay?"

Finn smiles. He doesn't care about the opinions of people around him, particularly what Puck and Karofsky will think.

What matters, to him, is nurturing the fragile connection he has with Kurt.

Fuck opinions. He likes Kurt, Kurt likes him, and nobody is going to force him off the football team. He is determined that nothing will stand in the way of his dreams.

His other dream involves Glee club – the idea of being a well known, respected group is a wish he hopes comes true.

Of course, he'd like it if Kurt kissed him another hundred times, too.


End file.
